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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 17, 2009 17:03:25 GMT -5
Ashton stood in the middle of his room, his hands on his hips. His eyes trailing over his room in search of his hat. He was pretty sure Luna had taken off with it when hed shooed her away from his food earlier. She could be such a diva about stuff, but seriously whenever he had food she was always right there and if he told her to go shed meow at him like he was the one interrupting her. Which to her, he probably was. So, of course, luna just had to get even. She always knew how to get back at Ashton and usually it was stealing his things or scratching the crap out of stuff.
When hed found her he had decided just to keep her nails short, not wanting to take away her natural defense or whatnot. Its like taking a dogs voicebox out. maybe not the same, but whatever Ashton knew what he was talking about.
"luna..' he called out, though he knew she wouldnt come. She always ignored him when it came to her name. It wasnt that she didnt know it, or didnt like it, she just refused to answer to anyone. She could be a real bitch about things. All in all Luna was one of the best cats hed ever come across. She loved to snuggle and other then when she was teasing and taking things out on Hobo they got along.
His eyes caught a movement and he saw the tip of her black tail disappearing under the bed. Crouching down he saw lunas big golden eyes staring back at him. She was curled up inside his hat and he sighed with a roll of his eyes. Give that back.. he reached under to grab it and she batted at his hand. He pushed it away and took ahold of his hat pulling it and her with it out from under the bed. She made a meowing noise her paws cupping around his hand and she bit at him. He shook the hat as he lifted it making her fall out of it and he laughed shaking it out.
He was glad for her short hair. He wasnt even sure if she really shed, he hadnt had a big problem with it, just the regular piece of hair here and there. He brushed his hair down a bit and put the cabby hat on, brushing the pieces that were a little bit longer and went past his ears tickling them slightly behind them instead.
Today he wore a white shirt with his black vest hung open and a pair of black pants. It was pretty nice out which was good considering how the weather had been like lately. He scrunched his nose up, he honestly wasnt a big fan of the cold and today it was nearing seventy. Made him wish summer was there already.
He grabbed his keys. He stopped suddenly, lifting his shirt to his nose he scrunched it up. He smelled like pot. He hadnt really been thinking about it, or that hed forgotten he had agreed to hang out with Peter today, he just .. got bored. It was his past time when he got bored and even though hed cut back a little on it, hed still been extremely bored this morning. Hed thought that it would have rubbed off by the time Peter wanted to go. He was wrong.
He grabbed some of the cheap spray hed bought and sprayed it on him. It smelled good, like old spice, the good one. He sucked at remembering the name of the one he liked, there were so many. He quickly brushed his teeth too and sprayed some fabreeze in his hair. He was refixing his hat when he realized that he was doing this all for peter. He shouldnt have to change for someone, but ... he ... was. He chewed his lip. Whatever, this was nothing. So what... not like he was into ecstasy or something. This was just pot, it barely did anything to you. He still didnt want Peter to be pissed at him. He didnt feel like fighting. He could already feel it starting to wear off.
This was good... and bad. Good because then maybe Peter wouldnt realize. Bad because he knew he would soon probably just feel like curling up and taking a nap or something. He usually got really groggy. Sometimes Ashton did it to help him sleep. IT didnt always make him groggy enough to actually get some sleep but there were times when he passed out and nothing could wake him up. He searched through some things till he found the caffeine pills. He swallowed one and put a couple more in his pocket. He wasnt sure if he was going to need more then 200 mg, so just in case he needed more throughout the rest of the day he would bring them with.
When he was sure he was done and he left luna water and food he headed out, locking his door and making his way down to petes room. He knocked and waited for him to answer.
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Post by PETER WALKER on Apr 17, 2009 18:09:21 GMT -5
After signing off of the chat, Peter wondered what was wrong with him. He couldn't go out into the city of Chicago. It would be like a death wish. He could already imagine being jumpy about every single police car driving by. His reason for inviting Ashton well, reasons, were that Peter needed to get away from St. John's for a little bit and he was afraid of going alone and because Ashton did happen to be his boy friend who had seemed lately like he was a little off about something. Peter fell back in his bed with a groan of frustration. He knew exactly why he needed to get away from St. John's for a little bit. Seeing Alex had done him in. Peter closed his eyes, trying to block out the flood of thoughts that wanted to barge their way in and take over. With a frown Peter sat up, giving in to the thoughts.
As Peter shuffled off of his bed he thought about how good Alex had looked. It seemed like time had been fair to Alex over the last two years. Images of Alex flashed through his mind as he opened his closet. Peter felt like it was a delayed reaction, but it was well worth it. He needed to get some of it out before it all built up and made him explode. Pushing over shirt after shirt Peter realized he wasn't really looking at the shirts, but still kept up in his thoughts. Alex being back in his life posed a lot of problems. Peter didn't want to fall back into old ways, but he couldn't help but wonder if that would be inevitable or not. Peter pused over yet another shirt and pulled it out. He didn't know why he was over thinking it so much. So what? Alex was at St. John's. Maybe that was something he could work around... just spend all his time in his or Ashton's room or something. There had to be way.
Peter finally had a whole outfit picked out. As he changed his facial expression never changed from the dull, depressed look. After getting fully dressed, Peter knew he needed to shape himself up before Ashton got there. It wouldn't be good if Ashton got there and he was in such a delicate emotional state. If Ashton were shy about holding hands, then there was no way he would be able to handle depressed Peter. Peter lay back on his bed, closing his eyes tight. There was so much pressure... so much weighing down on him. Peter thought about Alex then Ashton then how he should have told Ashton that Alex was THE Alex... then he thought about the friends he was beginning to neglect because he didn't want to risk running into Alex again. What was wrong with him? Peter felt a tightening in his gut as he turned on his stomach, grabbed his pillow and cuddled it.
Hobo, who had been sleeping soundly at the head of the bed, lifted her head and looked at Peter with a curious expression. His grip tightened on the pillow as his eyes started to burn. Peter wiped at his eyes and sighed when he felt moisture. Shit. He felt his breath growing shallow. Hobo seemed to sense Peter's distress, getting up and laying at Peter's side, resting her hand on his hand. Peter smiled weakly and pet Hobo. "You always know when to be adorable..." The memories poured in. It was more than Peter ever had to deal with. He didn't want to think about it really. But the thoughts were persistent and he was unable to stop them. Peter stood from his bed and grabbed the journal that he had finished... the ones mostly about his past. He stared at the cover of the book with an angry expression. His stupid past had been the thing that had him so screwed up.
Sometimes Peter thought that Ashton was so distant from him because he just couldn't fight with people. He ususally did end up getting walked all over, but Peter had never minded that because he thought he was "overcoming his childhood". But Ashton didn't seem to think that was the case at all. Peter proceeded to rip page after page from the damn thing, finally throwing it in the floor and kicking it. Peter wiped the hot tears from his cheek and looked back to Hobo. "Don't give me that look... it was for the best." He said in his defense. The knock at the door had surprised him a little bit, though he wasn't sure why. Peter knew that he had invited Ashton to go with him on the walk that would probably kill him. But Peter felt like he didn't need to hide anymore... that he should be able to walk the streets without worrying about being killed.
Peter stared into his mirror, making sure all traces of tears were gone. He checked Hobo's food and water, then opened the door, slipping out before Ashton could get a glimpse inside. Once his door was shut, Peter leaned against it with a smile. Yeah... Ashton didn't need to know about any of that. Peter didn't want to bother him with anything. "Hey," Peter said, glad that his voice wasn't as broken anymore from the crying. "Mm, let's get out of here." He made a daring move and took Ashton's hand in his, beginning to walk toward the exit of the dorms.
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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 17, 2009 18:49:08 GMT -5
As Ashton waited he drummed his fingers along the opposite arm. He wasnt sure how this would work out. Mostly their relationship had consisted of ice cream and sex and random talks that would teeter on something deep but in the end turn into something else. There were many times when he found himself almost saying things to Peter. Telling him his fears, his current ones. The past few days hed just gotten into this funk and he couldnt seem to get out of it. He hated feeling insecure, hed always thought he just didnt care.
He got on as long as he pretended he didnt. Its how he managed to get through his childhood. If he didnt care then he couldnt get hurt. He knew just as well as anyone how full of crap that was. It didnt matter, even if you pretended not to feel the pain in the moment you always felt it at some point and usually it was worse. Usually it didnt just come with one thing, but multiples of things all at once. He wondered if maybe thats what caused people to commit suicide... or murder for that matter. Both extremes both taking lives but yet two different things. Two outcomes, either burning in hell for you're own death or burning in hell for someone elses. Which was worse? Ashton wasnt sure most people would say killing someone else, because then you had to deal with jail and depending on wear you got the death sentence anyway and that would be two deaths all on your head. Personally Ashton thought Suicide could be just as bad depending on what truly happened to you when you died.
Peter... Peter had this ability to actually make him feel happy. He didnt want to feel it. Didnt want to know that feeling and then lose it. Unfortunately he had no choice. He was happy but that made him depressed. Ashton could be very paranoid about things, maybe it was along time affect of the kind of drugs he used to do when he was a teenager before he decided to only smoke pot. Maybe it was one of the mental issues he had that he refused to believe he was diagnosed with. He didnt want to be his father and therefor he refused to believe he could have any issues his father might have had.
Whether he chose to believe it or not he still had those issues and it showed in the way he was. He hated being dependent on someone and he kept going over in his head all the reasons he and Peter should not be together. Everytime he thought he would tell this to Peter he didnt. Instead Peter would be there and he would forget the problem. Instead it was replaced by his need to have peter with him whenever he wasnt around. He actually got anxiety about it and there were so many times when he thought for sure Peter was regretting this. Was bored of their relationship. Ashton found himself incredibly boring and he thought for sure Peter was seeing this as well but was too much of a nice guy to actually say something.
Whenever Ashton started to bring it up he stopped. He didnt want to say anything in case Peter took the opportunity to end it. Then again he kept bringing it up because he thought it was best and he well deserved it anyway. He was an idiot for even letting himself give in to peter and this relationship.
All of this seemed to fall to the back of his mind whenever he was actually around Peter though. Something about being with him felt so natural to him, as if it had always been that way and yet it was still a surprise at the same time. Peter seemed to calm some of his doubts whenever he was around him. There still were some moments when his thoughts would plague him but one look at Peter and he felt a little eased. This alone should be warning him against what would inevitably be when all hell broke loose. He wasnt so sure he could bounce back from someone like Peter and it seriously scared the crap out of him.
Losing Peter, a thought he never would have expected to ever have. It just was not an option.
So deep in thought, the door opening and Peter being there kind of had him forgetting what was going on as Peter said a greeting. Ashton nodded missing what he said next but it wasnt hard to figure out as they started to move. Peter taking his hand didnt seem to register tilll they were nearly out the door. Ashton looked down at their adjoined hands and then up at peter. There was something ... about him. He wasnt sure how he knew but he did. Peter seemed like he was himself, but... that was just it. He seemed too much.
He didnt pull their hands apart until they were out the door and he kind of casually pulled it free to rub at his neck before placing his hands in his pockets. He glanced at Peter again, studying him best he could without trying to seem too obvious. He licked his lips, glad that hed remembered to get some chapstick again earlier. He hated it when his lips were dry feeling. He opened his mouth to ask peter what was wrong, but instead it just came out as a Hmm... and he looked down at the ground beneath his feet.
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Post by PETER WALKER on Apr 17, 2009 21:30:17 GMT -5
Ashton was so silent... Peter didn't know what to think about it. A ton of things seemed to naturally filter though his mind, mostly negative, but he eventually decided that it was probably because Ashton didn't have anything to say. Yeah, that was it... had to be... Ashton just couldn't find anything to say. After exiting the door of the dorms, Ashton let go of his hand, which also sent his mind into several different bad directions. Peter curled his fingers into a fist at his side, choosing to look ahead with a smile instead of at Ashton. It was beginning to look like Peter was going to have to break the silence. When Ashton mused a 'hmmm', Peter thought Ashton might follow up with words, but none came. That wasn't a good sign. He always found himself worrying when Ashton only said 'hmmm'. Mostly that was because Peter never knew if it was good or bad. This time Peter just didn't want his mind to have to work around that. He decided it wasn't good or bad and left it at that.
Suddenly Peter felt guilty. He glanced to Ashton, thinking about how it seemed like he was keeping a secret. Technically he was. Ashton was his boyfriend and deserved to know everything. Peter would let Ashton guess as to how the news made him feel, but he didn't want to just pour his heart out right there on the institution grounds. That was why Peter let a small silence settle until they were fully off the premisis. Peter just didn't want people to overhear him and he still had the overwhelming urge to just get out of there. St. John's had never seemed so vile to him before. "Hey, Ash..." Peter mused, letting his smile drop for once. "I, uh, need to tell you something." Peter shrugged, looking ahead once more. "You may not think it's that important, but I don't know... just seems like you should know."
Peter drew in a deep breath, wondering exactly where he should start. "You know how I told you that I met the Alex that had been on the chat? You know... the picture guy? And I, um, told you I thought he was probably worse than Damian..." Peter trailed off, looking away again. "Well, there's a reason I think that... I mean, I kind of just let you believe he was an asshole, but that's the thing... he wasn't." Peter was starting to get a little fristrated with himself. He didn't understand what was so hard about just coming out and saying it. "Alex from the chat turned out to really be the Alex I told you about... the one that..." Peter sighed, "Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter. I just thought I'd give you a heads up."
Having been witness a few times to how Alex Turner really worked, Peter was a little scared about what might happen. Alex had a way of taking people down so that he could get what he wanted, and Peter wasn't willing to let that happen to Ashton. Peter opened and closed his hand at his side, wishing more than ever that he was holding Ashton's hand instead. It felt like there was nothing there to hold onto... like any second he could fall into oblivion and there would be no one there to pull him up from it.
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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 17, 2009 21:51:05 GMT -5
Ashton wasnt sure if his decision not to ask was good or not. He could feel the rest of the drugs wearing off as his body started to almost physically sag, but it didnt last very long, the effects of the caffeine pill was starting to finally work. He was glad for that, just in time. He followed the cracks in the walk as they walked, the silence between them stretching. Personally Ashton didnt find it uncomfortable, the only thing unsettling about it, was that he was certain something was bugging Peter. He normally was not this quiet... at least not for this long period of time.
Just as he was about to ask finally, Peter spoke up. Ashtons mouth shut and he looked up at him, brows rose as he waited for Peter to continue with what he was going to say. When he brought up Alex, he wasnt sure what to think and the way he was kind of leading towards something, had Ashtons mind going someplace, but not very good. Frowning he shoved his hands further into his pockets waiting for Peter to drop the rest of the shoe.
As he swallowed hard, it felt like it was the only sound he could hear as it echoed through his ears and he nearly missed the rest of what Peter had said. His eyes shot up to him again and his brows drew together. The alex... he dropped his gaze back to the walk , his lips forming into a thin line. Ashton hadnt liked Alex in the first place, mostly because hed interrupted his conversation with Peter and hed seemed... like another friendly outgoing person. As if the place didnt have enough of those. Now... well now he didnt like him because of more valid reasons. Though to Ashton all his reasons were valid, but these ones now concerned pete.
"Whys he here?' he asked, his voice surprisingly calm even though inside he was starting to feel that anxiety. The one he felt when he thought that Peter was tiring of him. Thinking of a stupid possibility of Peter tiring of him and breaking up with him had been little compared with the prospect that Peter actually Would break up with him now that Alex was around. They had history. He knew hed hurt Peter but hed seen stuff like this all the time. Why would this be any different. He bet that Alex had known it was peter all along. Maybe hed found out peter was here and came to cause problems. He was probably one of those sick devious masterminds.
Ashtons fists clenched in his pockets, not that easy of a feat since his pants were kind of snug to him. His teeth gritted together as he breathed through his nose. He closed his eyes for a moment trying to redirect this, not wanting to alarm Peter of it. If he knew he was getting mad he may not tell him anything again. Relationships fucking sucked. He seriously didnt get them sometimes. After counting to ten his hands had managed to unclench and his jaw, now sore from how intense hed clenched it, slackened a bit.
He looked over at Peter. "Is that whats been bothering you?' he asked, tilting his head, feigning mere curiosity and maybe even let some of his earlier worry show.
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Post by PETER WALKER on Apr 18, 2009 13:23:21 GMT -5
Peter could tell that Ashton didn't like what he was saying. Well, who would? He had already seen a few people that had been wrapped around Alex's finger... Peter didn't want Ashton to be one of them. Then again... Peter wasn't sure he could flat out tell Ashton not to like Alex. If Ashton were to tell him that he thought Alex was an okay guy, then Peter would suck it up. He would be a little suspicious of Alex's intentions, but he wouldn't tell Ashton he couldn't be friends with someone. That wouldn't be right. Peter didn't want to be that kind of boy friend. He didn't want to control Ashton's every move. It was only right that Ashton have just as much say in things. After all, a relationship is supposed to be a two-way thing. Peter had never been one to demand things of people anyway. He just kind of hoped that Ashton hadn't run into Alex already. It was rare that peter would want someone to have judged a person prematurely.
When Ashton asked why Alex was there Peter shrugged. "I don't think he told me what really happened. So I'm not exactly sure why. I just... I don't want him here." Peter huffed softly. There wasn't much that he could say about his little run-in with Alex. Peter just wanted to forget that it had ever happened. He wanted to walk with Ashton, talk about random shit, and pretend that Alex Turner didn't exist. As much as Peter wanted to do that last part... he knew that he wouldn't be able to. Peter ran a hand through his hair, unsure of what to say next. He kind of hoped that Ashton would say something so that there didn't have to be another silence. Peter crossed his arms over his stomach, figuring he wouldn't get another hand holding opportunity anyway.
Ashton finally said something and Peter looked up. He wasn't aware that it had been that obvious that he was upset about something. Peter wondered why Ashton hadn't asked about it before if he had noticed it, but he didn't say anything to that effect. It wouldn't help. So Peter breathed a sigh, "Yeah, I've-- I know I haven't been acting like I normally do." Peter said before looking up to the overcast sky. "I thought I would be able to deal with it and live like normal. It's just... I kept thinking about how things were starting to go so well for me. I mean, a successful public performance and then there was you and I felt like I was actually getting somewhere, you know?" Peter shrugged, "One of my main goals was to leave the past where it belongs... behind me." He paused and mumbled the next part under his breath, "Can't even do that right."
Peter shook his head, "Wow, I'm sorry, Ash." He said, tightening his grip around his stomach. "I shouldn't dump all that stuff on you. It's just-- I guess it's just nice having someone to talk to." Taylor and Cait would listen to him if he tried to talk to him, but lately they had their own fixations. Ashton was the closest thing he had. Peter felt a little better, getting all of it off his chest. He didn't expect Ashton to be a huge source of sympathy. No- it was good enough that he felt like Ashton actually listened to him when he talked. There would be no way of knowing if Ashton would remember any of it the next day, but as long as peter felt better... he thought he could make it with no problems. Then again... there was a nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him it was time to leave St. John's behind and make it on his own... but Peter didn't want to give up his friends or his boy friend. He wouldn't let Alex win.
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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 19, 2009 0:08:45 GMT -5
When Peter said that he didnt know why Alex was there and that he didnt want him there, Ashton thought maybe hed been wrong. Then again maybe Peter was just saying that to make him believe he didnt want Alex around. Maybe now that Alex was around he was having second thoughts and was feeling too guilty to say something to him. Ashton pursed his lips together. He didnt want to think that could be true. Mostly because hed always thought of peter as one of the most genuine people he knew and that was a lot coming from Ashton. Though he had always thought that things that were too good too be true, probably were.
Ashton chanced a glance at him again. A big part of him believed Peter, that still baffled him, but there was just that little bit of doubt. That bit of doubt that had been strong enough his whole life that kept him from trusting anyone and keeping others at arms length if not farther.
Peter was talking again. Ashton once and awhile would glance at him but for the most part his eyes stayed on the walk before them. He listened, not saying anything. He didnt know what to think. Maybe Peter was being honest. Ashton chewed on his bottom lip. He could hear the anxiety in his voice and his words at all that was on his shoulders and something twisted in his gut. He didnt like Peter feeling like this. He hated peter unhappy and it physically affected him. His teeth were gritting together again and he wanted to find
Alex and punch his face in. Ashton may be slight but he was fucking scary when he wanted to be.
Ashton looked up at him then as he started to apologize his brow raised. He was about to ask why he would even apologize but he stopped. Instead he just gave a small shrug and a slight nod. He chewed his lip again bringing a hand to rub at the back of his neck. He looked over at Peter, his arms crossed over his chest and that look on his face. Something in his gut kicked him and he had the intense feeling of being one of the biggest assholes for even thinking Peter was lying about not wanting alex around.
Ashton managed to move closer to Peter without being too obvious. His chest tightened at what he was about to do. He wished that Peters hands had been free. He would have taken one, but they werent. So instead he put a slightly hesitant arm around Peters shoulders. He looked at him for a couple beats before looking away, licking his lips. He seriously sucked at being a boyfriend, he sucked at everything. Peter needed someone, needed comfort, needed support and he just... He was pretty sure he was past the ban unsupportive boyfriend mark, of course that didnt include rapist and abusers.
"Its okay...' he replied and then inwardly cringed. There were so many better things he could have said and yet he settled on one of the worse, lamest phrase ever. He cleared his throat a little bit and pushed his thoughts away. Hed already said it, no point in taking it back and looking like a deuchbag.
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Post by PETER WALKER on Apr 19, 2009 22:13:23 GMT -5
The second Ashton put his arm around him all of his doubts and fears sort of slipped away to be forgotten about. Naturally Peter leaned into Ashton, still keeping his arms in their folded position. He hadn't expected Ashton to do anything. Peter thought he had a good read on Ashton and his reactions to things, but apparently there was something in there that he had missed. At one point Peter had gotten the feeling that Ashton really wasn't into the whole relationship, actually, Peter got that feeling a lot, but the one action made it seem like Ashton was branching out a little bit, getting used to being in a relationship. Peter was kind of glad that it wasn't one sided. All these times Peter tried to reason within himself that Ashton really did want the relationship... that Ashton really wanted to be his boyfriend. Ashton would have to be the one to tell him he thought differently. other than that, Peter was perfectly fine believing that was the case.
Somehow the words "it's okay", though simple and probably not what Peter was actually hoping for... was really all that he needed. Peter loosened his arms and slowly looped one around Ashton's waist to make it easier for Ashton with the position his arm was in around Peter's shoulders. Peter glanced up, peering down the street. Peter bit his lip slightly, remembering where the street led to. He hadn't lived too far from St. John's to begin with. It had worried Peter when he had first gone to St. John's, that he wouldn't be able to stay safe enough for a while because he was so close to home. But it wasn't that bad. Peter was glad that he had taken the chance to go to St. John's. That one couple that had dropped him off was really nice about it, though he was sure they figured he could just walk home if he didn't like it there.
Peter pointed ahead to a rather nice looking house. It was well kept and very clean looking. The grass was a lot greener and cut short, there was elaborate landscaping done to the shrubs around the house, and a few random kid's toys laying around the front porch area. The yard looked like it had gone through major transformation since he had last seen it, but the toys... they must have been out there forever. Peter could remember each and every one of them. His neighbors had been the ones to actually give them to him. When he was a child he would go out and play with them when his father was too drunk to care whether he lived or died. "That's where I used to live." Peter said before lowering his hand to his side. "It looks a lot nicer now."
This was as close as Peter had taken anyone to his past. Cait was the only other one that he had even told about his abusive parents... he had never taken her anywhere near the house. Peter felt safe enough with Ashton to do that, though. "I'm actually really surprised Dad has kept it up so well. I remember Mom used to yell at him all the time. My favorite was 'Cain, if you don't get your ass out there with a lawnmower i'll castrate you with a butterknife.'" Peter shook his head with a smile, "I mean, it hadn't been all that funny at the time because my dad wigged out, but like a year after... it was hilarious." He fixed his eyes on the house, "I just remember thinking 'man, that would hurt'."
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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 20, 2009 15:39:27 GMT -5
Ashton was such a slow person when it came to things. Hed never had a relationship before and that mixed with his already issues from his past, well he just was not too good at the showing or saying how he felt, or even what he was suppose to do. Peter was slowly changing that, or at least he was slowly becoming a little bit more comfortable when he was around him. He didnt know what it was about Peter, but he just had the ability to make him want to do things he used to not. Or think about things he normally didnt waste time on.
As they walked Ashtons arm was starting to relax around his shoulder now that he wasnt focused on what he was doing or suppose to be doing. Hed tensed up briefly when he felt Peters arm around him and almost pulled away but he told himself that would counter what he had been trying to do. So instead he relaxed and let it be. He didnt offer anything more as they walked. It was weird how he could tell certain changes in peter even if he wasnt being obvious about it. He looked down at him and saw him point to something. He followed it and saw he was pointing to a house. He raised his brows as he listened to him tell him a piece of memory from it.
Ashton smirked a bit. "Loraina bobbit... hmmm...' he shrugged some. "Thats not a good thought... he said and moved his free hand to cover himself as if he could feel it, his face cringing a bit at the thought.
AShton let his eyes linger on the house trying to picture Peter there. "cain...' he murmered under his breath a bit. Fitting almost..... he tilted his head, his words werent directed to Peter, but more as if he was thinking aloud. Ashton turned away from the house and turned peter away from it as well moving them till they were at the end and then going down a different road. "You're dad still live there then?' he asked when he remembered he had said hed been surprised his dad had kept the lawn up so well. He wasnt sure if that meant he still lived there or something else.
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Post by PETER WALKER on Apr 20, 2009 17:21:23 GMT -5
The house brought up so many memories... Peter had a hard time reeling all of them in. Some of them were worse than the others, but that was to be expected. Reguarding that house even the best memories had turned out to be sort of upsetting. But most of that stuf Peter was able to rise up against. When he thought about his childhood and his abusive father... he didn't really get as depressed anymore. After two years of freedom he felt like he was living the life he should have been able to live all along. Peter was glad that Ashton was there. Ashton kept him grounded and ready to face his memories as they came at him. Peter had to admit that Ashton was his source for escape from those stupid memories that would keep him up at night. He had noticed a pattern... after sleeping with Ashton he wouldn't have nightmares.
Peter chuckled at the Lorena Bobbit reference. He thought it was funny because he figured Lorena Bobbit had nothing on his mother. Peter could remember that day so clearly. His mother couldn't stand it when his father slacked off. She had always complained about Cain being the laziest man of the house there ever was. She would always sort of demean Cain, but Peter's father never beat Peter's mother of anything. Most of his father's frustration was taken out on him even when it was his mother's fault. Oh well, Peter didn't care. He had apparently made a come back from it or something. It hadn't kept him down for too long. Peter still kept his eyes trained on the house, taking in all the details. Sometimes he missed, but most of the time he just realized that he had done a good thing by running away.
When Ashton repeates his father's name along with something that Peter wasn't sure he had heard right, Peter glanced back at him. "Huh?" Peter questioned. It sounded like Ashton had said something like 'very fitting' or something like that. He didn't know what Ashton would mean by that, but he decided that it didn't matter. Peter focused on what Ashton had asked after that. He nodded, "Yeah, he still lives there. He's not there right now though or I wouldn't have come this way." When the house was out of view and they were headed down a different street Peter felt a different kind of relief. "Sometimes I wonder if talking to my dad again would be all that bad. Like... you know... not going back, just clearing some things up."
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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 21, 2009 20:16:22 GMT -5
Ashton gave a small shrug. "You're fathers name is cain..' he said. "I just... i mean... I dont know him but I know he was no saint..' he said. "Not like anyone is, but ... he shrugged again. "I thought more along the lines of cain and abel. Even though Im sure he didnt kill his brother out of jealousy.. unless he did. But ... just generally... because of how Cain... well..' he shook his head a bit using his hand to wave off the rest of the conversation. "nevermind..'he licked his lips a bit as he brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck before dropping it down letting it hit his thigh as he walked and then slid it into his pocket.
When peter said he wondered if it wouldnt be so bad to talk to his dad again, Ashton looked at him a moment before looking back his head tilting a bit thoughtfully. 'hmm...' he bit shrugged. "Considering you're reaction everytime you think of your father, I really dont think you're quite ready. And honestly... you know once an asshole... always an asshole. his fingers absently played with the fabric of Peters shirt that covered his shoulders.
Its kind of like drugs, or... well some people would say cheating, you know. Or smoking, drinking anything that causes addiction. Its a sickness really and even if a person can seem like they are over it, exposure causes memories and causes longing and next think you know it they are relapsing.' he glanced at him quickly before setting his gaze straight again. "People can never truly rid themselves of things like that. specially a personality flaw. Its who they are and its always going to be there no matter how hard they pretend its not.
Ashton looked down at the walk again. Every once and awhile there was old gobs of gum stuck and he scrunched his nose up a bit at it. That was gross, he didnt care that it was cement and ground, what if he stepped on one. Then itd be stuck on his shoe and hed be trailing it everywhere. He for some reason was reminded of an episode of Scrubs where one of the interns were leaving because they just couldnt hack the job. One of the patients, a well liked one was about to leave and there was this piece of garbage that had been floated around the entire episode. WHoever touched it, their hand would turn green and everything they touched after that turned green. At the end of the episode the intern shook her hand and it moved on to her and she touched her face because she was either sad or happy and next thing you hear she died of something he was pretty sure infection or something. Ashton involuntarily shivered.
He had no idea why his thoughts did that. He closed his eyes thinking it would help to block them. When he opened them he felt a little better. I dont think its a good idea... at least right now. You know how people are. You're still young and to him you're still his child therefore you are still weak and his kind preys on the weak. He knows what will hurt you and what will get you deep. He could destroy you with a few words or ... well its just not good. Wait till hes sixty five or seventy maybe older and you're thirty something or... forty. Then even though you are still his child hes had time to .... fuck it I dont know everyones different.' his brows furrowed a bit dismissing his explanation again.
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Post by PETER WALKER on Apr 22, 2009 14:44:26 GMT -5
Peter chuckled softly, shaking his head at Ashton's little rambling about Cain and Able. It seemed relatively fitting, though. He looked up to Ashton with a raised eyebrow, "Yeah, the killing thing kind of flaws it. I don't think he's killed anyone that I'm aware of." If Peter had any uncles, then he didn't know anything about it. But Peter could see where Cain from the bible and Cain his father could be compared. It was almost a chilling thought, but Peter made light of it the best that he could. There was no use in turning everything about his past into some dark, depressing matter. Peter couldn't believe that he was even thinking about talking to his dad again. He wasn't sure if just seeing the house was what made im think that, or if it were something else. Did he REALLY want to talk to his dad? Peter would never be sure. He figured that it would be like everything else and rip him right down the middle.
Ashton made a lot of sense. Peter didn't think that he was ready either. It would be nice if he could face his fears, stare his father in the eyes, and tell the god forsaken man just how miserable the last 19 years of his life had been up until recently. But that would be a dream for the future. Peter didn't know what he thought about the once and asshole always an asshole, though. Peter thought that it was possible for people to change. Sure it didn't happen that often, but it seemed possible. As Ashton continued, Peter doubted those thoughts. Maybe Ashton was right... maybe people had no choice but to be one way. Peter didn't like that kind of limitation... like he had no choice. Then again... maybe there were no choices.
Peter leaned his head against Ashton's shoulder, "Maybe you're right. It was kind of a stupid idea anyway. You're right, I need to just wait until he's too old to move without a walker or something." Peter smiled, looking ahead. Again with making light of the situation. Instead of thinking about memories, Peter thought about how nice it felt to just walk down the street, his arm around Ashton's waist and Ashton's arm placed around his shoulders. It was possibly the nicest thing Peter had felt in a while. Ashton made him so happy. That was something that Peter would never be able to deny. Ashton was like a high that Peter never wanted to come down from. It was like nothing could take him down. This was a feeling Peter hadn't had in a long time.
Sure Peter had felt happy since leaving home... but happy was just an emotion that was only temporary. It was moments like the one he was experiencing that told him he was in a state of joy... joy seemed a lot more permanent. Permanent was what Peter wanted. He needed something stable. Peter closed his eyes for a moment, reveling in the feeling that he didn't want to disappear.
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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 22, 2009 19:50:08 GMT -5
Ashton nearly missed a step when Peter said that. He quickly recovered and looked away giving a small nod. "Well... I mean... personality wise or... he shrugged. ... yeah whatever. I... ignore that. he mentally kicked himself for that. licking his lips he looked down again, his fingers digging into his thigh in his pocket to resist the urge to rub his neck. Act normal... that thought had him mentally snorting at himself. Normal? Seriously... What did he know about that. He looked over at peter... Fucking hungry. we should like... eat or... something. Or get ice cream... ya... something. he quirked a brow then smirked.
As they continued to walk, Ashton looked around. He knew where they were, sort of. Granted he lived in chicago all his life, but it was a big place and technically he didnt get out that much a kid. Though he felt that he definitely wouldnt be lost if he was here on his own. He felt a weight on his shoulder and looked over to see that Peter had rested his head on it. His brow rose again and he blinked. He wasnt sure how he felt about that, it wasnt bad, but it was starting to get really close to his boundaries, as if he hadnt passed them already. He was walking down the walk in the city with his arm around Peter and Peters around him, what harm was a head. He mentally rolled his eyes and decided not to bother with it. Peter seemed to enjoy it and really wasnt the whole point of the arm and giving in because he wanted to comfort Peter. No point in ruining that. Peter seemed... better. Least he thought so. No ashton wouldnt say anything. Right now he was just going to ignore any uncomfortableness. The weird thing was at the same time that it was uncomfortable with him... because it was peter it wasnt so much uncomfortable. Another thing he decided to ignore.
'mmm.. not ... necessarily stupid..' he said, his voice barely a murmur. Though the mental image of Peter waiting for his father to be bed bound or something, because he wouldnt even consider wheelchairs safe, was kind of a musing and he smirked, making a sound that was close to a snort as well. "good idea. The less movement he has... the better.' he said. "Maybe wait till hes a vegetable... or something. Maybe he'll get dementia... or Alzheimer disease. Then it could definitely work in your favor...' he gave a small shrug. "might not be exactly what you're looking for but...' he shrugged again. "Ya know...'
Ashtons hand hit something in his pocket and he grabbed it realizing it was his chap stick. Rubbing his lips together he figured he needed some, better to do that instead of waiting till it was already chapped. okay so many he had a bit of a compulsive order with that as well whenever he actually had chapstick. He pulled it out, reaching and maneuvering a bit so he could open it without moving his arm from Peter. It wasnt until he was putting it on his lips that he realized he could have just opened it with his mouth. He mentally rolled his eyes at himself and shrugged capping it again, using his hand again because it already had the top, and slipping it in his pocket. He rubbed his lips together again. That was better... much better.
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Post by PETER WALKER on Apr 23, 2009 21:48:14 GMT -5
Peter laughed in response to Ashton's comments about his dad. For some reason the thought of his father, old and decrepid, chasing after him with a cain, waving it as Peter would dare to rub his youth and agility in his father's old, wrinkled face. It was pretty funny, but Peter was sure that it was probably just best that he never spoke to his father again. Peter could just imagine moving up into his thirties, people around him asking about his family. He could imagine one of those movie moments where he would sigh deeply, pull his children to his side and tell them the whole story of what had happened. But that thought spurred anothed grousome thought. A family... Peter knew that he wanted a family sometimes down the road... even if it was just him and his significant other and an animal.
But Peter was afraid of the idea of a family. Peter just had a sinking suspicion that were he to ever have a real family... that he would basically turn into his father. That wasn't what Peter wanted. His thoughts were distracted when he noticed Ashton fumbling with the chaptsick. Peter smiled. One thing that he could always count on was Ashton and his love for chapstick. Peter looked back ahead, glad that Ashton was there to keep him grounded. Had Ashton not been there... Peter could just iamgine having to walk down memory lane alone. He probably would have ended up doing something completely stupid. Sometimes Peter wasn't the most level-headed boy there was. Most things he did were odd impulse and without much thought. It was the reason he hesitated when explaining his actions.
"Hey, Ash..." Peter started softly, his voice thoughtful, "Do you think that when you're raised a certain way, you know, see how your parents are and such... that you will end up being like them?" Peter bit his lower lip in thought before continuing, "I mean, like, in The Breakfast Club when they're talking about they all say they would never be like their parents, but end up acting like them anyway?" Peter wasn't too sure where he was going with that so he shrugged, "Nevermind." He said finally with a nervous laugh, "My thoughts are just all over the place. It's crazy." Again, Peter really didn't want Ashton to have to worry about anything he might be going through. Ashton probably had his own demons to battle without worrying about Peter's. He wouldn't feel right about spilling so much to Ashton.
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Post by ASHTON JOHNSON on Apr 23, 2009 22:49:33 GMT -5
Ashton didnt mind the silence they had fallen into. It wasnt an awkward one, though he found that the majority of their silences werent awkward. He seemed to always be comfortable around Peter whether in silence or not. Well sort of, some times but it wasnt really about being comfortable. It was ... something else. Suppose figuring stuff like this out should mean something. Ashton didnt want to put that together quite yet though. He wanted to just let things be for right now, give it less of a chance for it to decide it wants to pull a joke on him and take another less comforting route. Peter broke the silence and Ashton looked over at him his eyes questioning as he waited for the rest of what Peter was saying.
Peters question shouldnt have surprised him, especially with the topic they seemed to have been on. Even so, he mentally stilled. Ashton had honestly had those fears, still does. Stepping outside of the box and looking in, he figured it was something that all kids thought. Well mostly the ones who had a rough childhood on any grounds. He pulled his bottom lip in biting it as he let his eyes fall back the walk at their feet. 'hm...
Ashton got what he meant when he referenced the breakfast club. Ashton debated on saying something, but then Peter was brushing the question off. Ashton frowned and looked at him, maybe a bit too sharply. "dont.. he said, his voice even. "Its perfectly normal. he said and then shrugged. 'You have the same fears everyone does, its not stupid to voice them.' he said. "Im sure every kid would like to know that answer and to be honest, I think that people ... have a choice to an extent. he started.
"Like, personalities, everyone gets a bit of their parents whether they like it or not. Its inevitable. Of course sometimes what they have gained from their parents isnt always so noticeable, some people are lucky and get a small bit, but others can get strong personality traits from them. he licked his lips and shrugged. "Some people can choose to follow the same way as their parents. Say a kid with an alcoholic father. The kid can make choices in his life that will either send him down that same road or not. Its the same for other things like that. You dont have to be completely like them, but at the same time the things that you cant control... well sometimes they are things that you wont notice. It takes someone on the outside to notice, which isnt necessarily good.
Ashton rubbed the back of his neck and looked over at Peter. "Not a satisfying answer, but its the best I can do. You just... it .. I dont know, but you know..' he stopped, making peter stop as well as his hand slid to his shoulder when he turned him to face him. "A person may also drown out some of the traits they earn from the new traits they gain because of the way their parents are. Ashton put his other hand on Peters other shoulder "I think you're one of the lucky ones...' he said. "The ones that have the little traits, the ones that people would say, 'you act nothing like your parents' he nodded. 'You're gained trait will probably just be the fact that well.. i dont know your parents enough to pull out some random pointless trait out.' he said and then smirked a bit trying to lighten the mood, though he was sure it problem wasnt going to help.
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