if you have opened this...

[DAMIAN RITTER]

look behind you_{because i'm probably about to kill you}

[DAMIAN RITTER]

When I started out here at St. John's Institution I was looking for something. Maybe a way to overcome my situation or maybe a way to balance out the part of me that wants to kill everyone I meet. Unfortunately these people have done nothing to subside that feeling or even help my situation. To be completely honest, no one here is worth my time. Each person that has spoken to me has simply wasted their breath. Every encounter forces me to remember things I was told as a child. My parents being warned about my antisocial behavior becoming dangerous, being told numerous times that writing will help keep the emotion impulses away...they're all dickheads that have no fucking clue about what their talking about. Insofar I am not dangerous. Dangerous in my thoughts, perhaps, but not physicall. Fighting is not in my interest. But my worst problem is with the writing.

I was told a brutal lie. The writing was supposed to make the impulses go away, but they have been coming back in stronger episodes. Today was one of the worst. It was one of my mor violent episodes. I can't say as to whether or not I would have been glad to hurt the boy, but I came close enough. It's not just the anger that I gave problems with, though it's the worst of them. These impulses... I want to understand them. At one point I thought that I simply had a short fuse and was angered easily, but no-- I have more patience than I have previously given myself credit for. At least if my anger mpulses got the best of me I could make honest people out of those fuckwads that say I'm a murderer. I couldn't care less.

Trust doesn't come easy to me. People are meaningless. I don't know where these ideas were developed, but they were. The way I percieve life... is that it is one huge Battle Royale. No one can be trusted and no one can trust me. It seems to me like our mission in life is to kill eachother until there is one left standing. There are the more noble of the people that decided it is better to kill themselves than betray their friends and family. But the way I see it, it's unintentional for everyone. People do this without realizing it. There's one way to win and one way to lose: kill or be killed. I REFUSE TO LOSE. Being the one killed for the sake of someone else being the winner in life doesn't seem like an entertaining plan to me. Therefore... I will trust no one.

Sound crazy? It should. Everyone wants to be on top, me included. But why stop the frenzy there? The chaos of life is more than most can handle. My life will be controlled chaos. Remembering kill or be killed helps that. Life takes strategy, skill, and logic. These people who think life can be controlled by smiles, sunshine, and unicorns have another thing coming.

[DAMIAN RITTER]

Mother and father moved back to Germany. I had a feeling they would give up sooner or later. The only part of Germany I will allow myself to carry is my accent. That is something I do not carry proudly. But life at St. John's Institution has proved to be only slightly more interesting as time has continued to flow on. There is still nothing here for me save a roof over my head and food to eat. Other than that I have no reason to like it here. I have no reason to like this place, the people in it, or anything about it. Ah, the people...they range from slightly annoying to I wish I could rip their fucking heads off. This place is full of people that are willing to shove their beliefs on you in a moment's noticed. That is rather inappropriate. It's the United States of Fucking America. This country has expressed an interest in freedom of opinions... have one's own opinion and exercising it rightly. But what's this? It's funny how America promotes that only to have it thrown back in their miserable faces. When will they realize that there is no freedom in freedom of opinion? At one point a person becomes a slave to their own beliefs, not allowing themselves to be open and accepting that other people may believe differently. At one point... a person becomes a slave to their own emotions...

Fuck emotions. Lately the impulses have gotten worse. I say they have gotten worse because the anger has not come through as much as...well, I don't want to say that it's happiness. I don't believe that it is. Why should it be happieness? This didn't happen until I met a boy in the library. He's going to read this and he's undoubtedly going to know who it is I'm talking about anyway, so I will give him the pleasure of writing his name; Taylor Jameson. The boy has some sick thrill out of stalking me. I will never know what it is that he finds so interesting about my life and what is in it. But the more he is around the more I find myself reacting differently than I would with just any person. This Jameson boy is the first in a long time to get a free pass. He has broken into my room, read my journal, and gotten crumbs on my floor. This boy is annoyingly hyper, completely oblivious to insults, and has actually had the balls to hug me. Everything about this kid screams that I should hate him. I should hate him. It's dangerout to fall in the trap of befriending someone. This is likely to make the boy happy, but part of me wants to be his friend, but I would rather listen to the part of me that would rather hate him.

Let me throw in a little bit of my beliefs. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FRIENDS, LOVERS, FAMILY, OR HAPPY ENDINGS. I'm not sorry about that either. Friends are not forever, family is not forever, and happy endings are for fairy tales. How can anything last forever when we all live to die? Tragic? Not at all. No 'friend' can promise that they will be forever with you. That's a rediculous, petty lie. People change as well as relationships. The idea of friendship exists, sure, but friends? They'll only stab you in the back, leave, die, or move on... there's no point in friends. The same goes for lovers, though. True love... had I a different view on the world I might say that love existed in the pure sense, but no. Love is tainted. It is said, but never meant in its true context. People LOVE food. People LOVE animals. People LOVE excitement. People LOVE war. Do people LOVE people? No. It's that simple. A boy may say he LOVES a girl/boy/whatever, but really, does he LOVE her/him/it? Probably not. There will always be the other girl/boy/whatever that the boy wants to have, but can't. Love is a fucking mindgame.

Ah, now let's not forget families! Oh, please, let me explain how I got her. I didn't have an abusive family. I didn't have a drunken father. I didn't have a whore mother. My family was relatively normal. They seemed to 'care'. No- they were fine. I was the screwed up one. I still am, which is why they are in Germany and I'm in the fucking windy city. Families, much like friends and lovers, are not forever and never will be. The only part of my family that I am willing to have left is my surname. It's an unfair hate, but why let them bring me down? Must I reitterate what I wrote in the previous entry? Does dog eat dog mean nothing? That's exactly what it is... that's what it always will be. No one is safe even around their family. So get it out of your fucking heaads. As for the happy endings, well, here's my thoughts on that... happy endings may exist. I may have written hastily before, but I realisticly do not expect one.

[DAMIAN RITTER]

To my Taylor,

Dear Taylor,

Taylor,

i feel safe writing you something in here because i know you read it and won't share it with anyone else. fuck... i don't know what happened. my life was great. sure i didn't have a home, i hated the world, and i was too fucked up to see anything for what it really is... wait, no... i've still got two of those problems. you read my journal. you know my way of thinking. i have a feeling that you know i think the same way. that hasn't changed. i don't say much to you aside from hurtful things that i know will push you away and i have been less than friendly to your friends. but you have to realize something. we're on opposite ends of the spectrum. you... you have friends that will be there for you as long as i'm not in the picture. i'm alone. i've always been meant to be alone.

you've done something to me. i'm not sure what it is that you've done... but i don't know what to think about it. i know i've told you this before and you rightfully got defensive about it... but i'm afraid that if i let my guard down around you, then you'll find out that i'm not worth your time. no one knows the real me better than me, taylor. maybe peter was right about me. maybe i do have some violent tendencies. i may not be a killer, taylor, but that doesn't mean i don't think about it. i know you trust me... perhaps too much for your own good. the honest truth, is that i don't want to hurt you. i don't want to be the guy that you trust too much and ends up breaking your heart. don't let that guy be me. all i would need to crush your trust in me would be one tiny fit of rage... and they've been more frequent.

...i won't force you to stay away. that's a decision you'll have to make on your own... but one day you'll have to choose me or peter. you've been learning a lot about me for a while now, but i've been learning about you. you need your friends... i'm just the guy you decided to stalk... nothing more than that...so it shouldn't be this hard. so that's it...

yours truly

love

dammit

Damian